Chuck Klosterman’s “23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them" (As Answered by Me)
1. Let us assume you met a
rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he
can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can
turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar
vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can
only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks
with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the
bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's
legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?
No. His ability would be impressive, but he himself, when compared to Einstein, falls short.
2.
Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has
his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with
thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely
immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political
prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released
from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty
minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.
Would you attempt to do this?
No, as there are some political prisoners who shouldn't be released. Plus my foot isn't sponsored by a a glue factory, so I'll probably concentrate on releasing the fucking horse.
3.
Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a
relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have
to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle,
you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if
either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the
state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in
a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of
time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing
so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which option do you select?
The
skull. The money's good and who has to know whose skull it is? I could simply write "THEY" across the forehead and say it's They Might Be Giants memorabilia.
4.
Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have
developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak,
it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q.
of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness.
Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes
fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its
highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a
defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla
would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a
game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to
counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it
clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
Might as well, the NFL's for overpaid apes already.
5.
You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years,
someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent
wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You
must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of
your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in
Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it
will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If
you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's
being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on
TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the
shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley
performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill?
No. I'd also decide not to date the soul mate. The real question is how you'd keep a soul mate without any soul.
6.
At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you
to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can
then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will
only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat:
When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your
closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along
with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?
Not ever.
7.
Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture
a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear
hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh,
thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity.
These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president
announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later
that week.
You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?
The President first, then Locky, then Bigfoot.
8.
You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You
find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating,
consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one
quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet
fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a
month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references,
uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and
occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper
philosophy."
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?
As a slave to my own obsessions, what the Hell could I say to her?
9.
A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commerical
success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend
emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears
that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately
become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book
for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite
the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no
homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).
Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likliehood of you reading this book?
Shit, I liked the Da Vinci Code. But I steer away from the Oprah book club books, so I'd probably just read the sequel that got me started into some beastiality or worse.
10.
This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City:
"You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this
time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel
(assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find
Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening
riff to "Barracuda."
Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?
Neither or both. Sculpters cannot paint nor can painters sculpt. Whose to say what higher art is?
11.
You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is
mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with
twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable
feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died.
There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of
it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense
that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an
intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your
mother has not been ill.
Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?
I'd exit the theater and make a phone call.
12.
You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make
you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process
works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at
this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar
more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does
not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different.
But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The
tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny
that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule,
though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money
until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.
How much cash do you give the wizard?
Run to the bank, hold the place up, then come back with 1.9 million dollars for the wizard. Then, when the police some to collect me, I'd be all like, "Oh, that fugly loser, Eric? I haven't seen him."
13.
Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you
are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the
collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the
meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about?
I'd fake an outbreak of Herpes and start apologizing.
14.
For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a
twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can
read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill,
because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the
house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces
them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the
utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).
This
being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or
would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
Up until my cat stops fighting the bottom half of the sofa, I think she'd have no reason to be upset of the caricature that Davis has presented.
15.
You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment,
this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your
life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that
there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the
surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be
a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have
a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand
complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.
How do you spend the next fourteen days?
Tracking down pop star phone numbers for my future black book.
16.
Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of
your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows
a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty
years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you
finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two
decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football
game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your
chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian
Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You
are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical
moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some
unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And
this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future
will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be
changed.
The
next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly
come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the
Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now
watch it?
Not if it's during a Dodgers game, no.
17.
You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before
visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely
know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits
by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be
careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few
minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You
ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that
guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.”
Which of these two people do you trust less?
The fucker next to me telling me shit about people I don't even know.
18.
You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose
either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a
monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.
Which option do you select?
Europe. I can pretend to be mooning it in the desert at night with enough weed.
19.
Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room.
Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend
is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib
cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake
up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later
inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die
from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you
can’t tell them why.
Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?
There was a brown recluse on you.
20.
For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your
life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily
comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage
from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as
“brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star
has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood
stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on
actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts.
Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account,
but audiences love it.
Which film would you be most interested in seeing?
The big budget biopic. I was already there for my life, now I want to see who gets cast as me and everyone else.
21.
Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of
your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience
your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and
the memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life
previously.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?
Later by six months.
22.
You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers.
However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating
the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that
you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your
married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t
believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of
dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling
debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes
it is factual.
Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?
The second one.
23. Consider this possibility:
a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.
b.
Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never
affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his
personality would have been like.
c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.
d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.
e.
However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you
are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a
construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in
the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your
real life.
How would you feel about this?
Badly, I'd miss my real father.
