Sanford's Trip

What follows are excerpts for the week of June 18th - June 24th from Mark Sanford's private journal:

June 18th, 2009 - I woke up today and just needed to drive, you know? Jenny and the kids were still in Sullivan's
Island, so I thought, "Why the fuck not, Mark?" I thought about where
to drive for a while and quickly ruled out the beach, as I was just there and
didn't need anymore sun. What I hadn't seen in a good God-damned while though was Hartsfield International Airport. They have the best Seattle's Best in there over by the International gate. I packed up my flip flops, a pair of
swimming trunks, and a few boxes of condoms (in case I ran into Jenny) for the
drive. It was going to be a great day.

June 19th, 2009 - I got into Buenos Ares mid afternoon yesterday. I got to the airport for a cup of coffee and decided to park in the long term parking deck because I saw a mangy-looking raccoon run into the
hourly one. In I went, bag of beach stuff and condoms in hand because the lock
mechanism in the car wasn't working right, to get my cup of coffee. I knew the
coffee was good, but the line was huge! I waited in it for almost thirty
minutes when I discovered I wasn't even in the Seattle's Best line, but the
line for International Flights. Not wanting to be rude, I politely explained
the mix up and purchased a very affordable ticket to Buenos Ares (thank
goodness I always keep my passport in my condom boxes, that was a lifesaver!).
How nice this was going to be. A little away time for Mark at the beach. It'll
be good to get a little sun, I haven't been to the beach in forever! I called
the office and told them I was going hiking for a few days (that's our code for
abruptly leaving the country) and boarded the plane. I got to the hotel, explained to the cute
girl at the hotel kiosk that she was the most beautiful creature I've ever seen
and that my marriage was going south, and went to my room for a soapy grunt n'
tug in the shower.

June 20th, 2009 - I woke up this morning at 2:00 and decided to go out for a bite. I took a shower,
tugged one out, and went for dinner. Now, Buenos Ares is weird, I thought at
2:15 in the morning people would be getting up and ready for work, but the
streets were just FULL of sexy brown women. Not letting that discourage me, I
went into an establishment called "The Clam Digger," that I thought
specialized in seafood. It turns out the place didn't even have any food, just
tequila drinks, Jaegar shots, and more women. I didn't want to be rude, so I
stayed for a quick 9 drinks and ended up meeting a really nice girl from Miami
named Beth. I asked Beth if she'd be interested in coming back to the hotel for
a a cup of coffee and to see what was on Pay per View, but she declined. She
was still very nice. You know, for a cock-teasing bitch. I then went back to
the hotel, beat off to some spic weather girl, and went to bed.

June 21st, 2009 - My cell phone keeps ringing, but this is Mark Time so I'm not going to answer it. Today I went into what is called the "Drug District" to see if I could get some pain medication for a
headache I've been having. My headaches are awful, so I asked a guy at the bar
last night where I could get something that will just let me lay around and not
feel anything and he suggested something called "Roof and
All," which I guess is called that because if you take one, you just lay
back and stare at the ceiling. I went down to the drug district and sure enough
someone had what I was looking for. I went out to the bars for the night and
accidentally dropped one into some local girl's mojito (butterfingers, I know).
She got very tired, very quickly.Not wanting to be rude, I took
her back to the hotel so she could sleep it off. It was funny, me dragging her
around, it was like that "Weekend at Bernie's" movie, except she
wasn't dead and kept asking, "Who are you? Where are we going? Did you put
something in my drink?" It was cute. Anyways, we got back to the room and
she asked (practically begged) me to fuck her right before she passed
out on the bed. I explained to her I was married and had children, even though
the marriage was heading south and I never really liked those little shits
anyways. Again not wanting to be rude, I went ahead and did it (even though I
couldn't remember where I put the condoms). It was magical, she even quietly
wept in the middle of it. To keep the mood playful, I held her by the hair and
told her that if she got pregnant I'd fucking kill her. HaHa, how we laughed!
When I was finished, I cleaned her up, took her down to the rental car, and
dropped her off in front of a 24 hour veterinary clinic.

June 23rd, 2009 - The damnedest thing happened. I accidentally took one of those roof pills for my
hangover and woke up almost a full day later. When I woke up, there was blood
all over my clothes and my penis had scratches on it. Also animal hair was
scattered around the hotel room (I want to say llama hair, but I have no idea).
I realized I hadn't eaten in almost five days, so I went to the lobby for a
bagel and ended up offering the kiosk girl $4,000 to gum my dick in the
handicap stall of the lobby restroom. During the fellatio, I told her I loved
her (can you believe that!?) and told her I'd giver her an additional $20,000
if I could have her for the night, $25,000 if she let me bite her tits and cum
on her dirty whore face. After a trip to the bank, two daunting phone calls to
my accountant in Charelston, and sweating bullets for about five minutes, it
was handled. She was mine for the night. She came up to the room about 9:00ish
and asked where we were going for dinner at which point I slapped her across
the face and informed her the only thing she was going to be eating was 3 and a
half inches of United States Governor. This caused her to knee me very deeply
in the groin. While I was moaning on the ground in pleasure (Jenny never plays
rough like this girl does!), I noticed that the girl had gone over to the
dresser where I had placed the $25,000 cash, the box of condoms, and a black
rubber dildo roughly the size of David Beckham's left leg. This really turned
me on, because she picked up the dildo first. I was getting into it, so far as
to say, "Who's the dirty cunt who's going to ass-fuck the next President
of the United States?" when she abruptly slapped me with it. I got so
hard, I could have rolled pie dough with my cock. After calling me an asshole a
few times, I guess she kicked me in the head or something because the next
thing I knew I was all alone, the sun was up, and the money was gone.

June 24th, 2009 - After realizing I had been robbed and seeing my picture on the spic news channel with
an upside down question mark next to it, I decided it was time to go home.
After landing at Hartsfield and doing a press conference, where I was forced by
my legal advisers to admit I cheated on my wife, I leave you with this week of
journal entries. Now you can see it from my perspective and realize that Jenny,
my little waste-of--cum-and-bank-account kids, and the entire U.S. Government
are just being little bitches in regards to this whole situation. Like Reagan
never flew abroad and raped a local. Shit, Ron Paul all but flat-out told me
that he once strangle-fucked some Mexican housemaid to death next to a dumpster
while on a FAMILY VACATION in Cuba. I bet that Buenos-Whoras cock-juggling twat
that I dropped at the vet's office gets a fucking book deal. That's great,
isn't it? Get your pussy blown out by a United States Governor and you get a
free fucking meal ticket. Bitch. Listen, you can judge me all you want to,
America, but at least I'm not a queer like that faggot from Massachusetts. Good
luck with whatever prick you elect after me, I hope he gets AIDS from slurping
scabby dick at a rest stop bathroom. Blow me, America, I don't have to take this
shit.