I have a healthy self image.
Nothing to hide, no shame about it.
If I were a different guy in a different body that looked a lot like the body I'm in now and I also was a gay guy in a less attractive body, I'd most undoubtedly take myself out for a few drinks and a long, wet night of unbridled monkey sex. Or something like that.
Have I mentioned that I'm a Capricorn and I'm compatible with other Capricorns? Anyhow, I'm not gay. I mean, I do like vanilla jasmine lotion and Chris Isaak, but in a macho, football player kind of way. Oh, nevermind all that, it's besides the point. Let's just say I'm a pretty swingin', decent looking, charming (and absolutely straight) young fellow.
That said, I feel I'm the topic of a lot of fawning/ drooling over. I know, I know, it's awfully narcissistic to make a claim like that, but I have my proof. I'm not flamboyantly self-absorbed (or gay for that matter), I'm just observant and have picked up on the clues. You see, people look at me. Especially when I'm speaking/ screaming at them. Also when I demand their attention by slapping their children or propositioning their spouses. And sometimes when I'm kidnapping their pets or chewing their undergarments (I feel that I have an unhealthy tendency to soil people's carpets deserves mentioning here).
I also recieve an abundance of phone calls throughout the day (I sit home all day, so I just happen to be here when they call). Phone calls from people with special offers, just for me. People call and ask personal questions in regards to my lack of promptness when it comes to paying bills. I see through their feeble attempts to trick me, I know they're really calling just to hear my pretty, pretty voice! I'm nobody's fool, and certainly not Marge from Visa's Delinquient Accounts Bureau's!
How bout when I go to the Gap? People come up to me and ask if I need any help? Come on, now! They don't do this for just anyone! This happens when I go to Abercrombie & Fitch, Old Navy, and Frederick's of Hollywood! I mean what am I, a famous movie star like that guy who plays Nash Bridges? Ha! They thought they were fooling me! No way, not this shuddlecock right here! No sir!
What about the people that move into my neighborhood? Sure, they say job transfers, affordable rent, and freak cases of arson force them to move near me, but they're not fooling anyone! They all want be next to me! Even the guys (Again, I'm not gay)!
I have to admitt, i may be worth a little attention, but this is ridiculous! People are treating me like I'm that Jesus character, and I don't want that! I look awful with long hair and the only person named judas I've ever met was an Ecuadorian dock worker who drank liquid plumber! I appreciate the attention, but you can't force me to like it! You're not those Nazi types! You can't force me to do anything! So there! Ha! Jerks! Ha!
(please don't read into this too much, it's just a joke.) (I'm not gay)
- E.
