Oh Canada!

Damn, it's 6:30.

Genius.

Good idea. May I also suggest underoos?

Dance Epidemic!

Do you think I'm not writing enough? Yeah? Well, fuck you. Anyways, here's a lame, quickly thrown down update in jarbles:

My pretty laptop that cost me more than I care to admit has started hemorrhaging and it causes the innocent looking shift key to go ape shit half the time. Alas, it looks like I'm screaming whenever I type. SEE WHAT I MEAN YOU LITTLE BITCH!? SEE!!?? Ok, I was kidding there, that was more of the Tourette's working, but it's become enough of a problem where I'm going to have to put the comp in a box and send it off to those fine, out-sourced workerbees at Dell, Inc. Poor, poor, pitiful me... Eh, life can go on with out a laptop. I can use the free time to begin my crusade of murdering hobos to put a dent in the homeless situation. I'm kidding, I've never seen a homeless person here in Gaines-Vegas. (If you see one, call me....)

A lot of albums have (almost) come out, such as: "Outlaw" by the Alabama 3 (A3 to all you Sopranos fans out there), "Before the Robots" by Better Than Ezra, "Don't Believe the Truth" by Oasis, "Man-Made" by Teenage Fanclub, "Get Behind Me Satan" by The White Stripes, and "Senor Smoke" by Electric Six. I think I listed those in order of Coolness to Yours Truly here. Either way, go look for them.

I switched jobs. I moved up a block and down a lot of stress from the Quality Inn. I'm now part of the Hilton family (Paris jokes welcomed). It seems pretty similar outside of the fact Lucifer doesn't work there and the coffee's better. Yep, so that happened.

Layer Cake was a killer flick, watch it.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Bland was ok. I mean, I owed it to Lucas to see it and it wasn't dissapointing or anything... I just don't care about that whacked out world that George made up over a weekend anymore. I mean throw Chewbacca in Oz or Darth Vader in that cracked out TeleTubby world and I'd be all over it, but as of right now I think far, far away and long, long ago should remain that way. Sorry, George (and all you sad, sad fanboys).

I'll leave you with this line from an Electric Six song that made me chuckle, "If money talks than I'm a mime, if time is money than I'm out of time..." or for a fun follow up, "Your body goes to waste every minute you don't give it to me!" Can I get a w00t w00t?

- eric.

Alabama 3 (years)

I've been waiting a loooong time for this.

BiLucki.

So… Where the Hell have I been, anyways? Well, as you can see below I found myself at the beach for a few days, which was nice. I spent most of my beach time getting burnt to a happy crisp and flying a “kite in a bag.” Usually I prefer the 84 cent crappy kites, as any gimmicky kite usually sucks more balls than an 80’s pop icon, but this one really impressed me. It came with 400 ft of string, but I added another 400 ft so it ended up 800 ft out without a problem at all. Given, the ocean wind was doing all the work, but it was still pretty cool (except the half hour it took to pull it back in). I mentioned earlier it was supposed to downpour the entire time I was there, but I didn’t see a single rain drop until I got 20 minutes from my house on Sunday. See that? God can’t even beat me! Silly God, kids can have the Trix, all’s I want is the beach, so don’t even try it…
The beach I went to was in Biloxi, Mississippi which is a redneck version of Las Vegas, full of gaudy hotels and fat people throwing 20’s into comic strip-themed slot machines. I like Andy Capp as much as the next guy, but when it’s costing upwards of $200 an hour to see that dumbass smirk… I’d just as soon buy the Sunday paper for a dollar fifty, that’s all. I did spend a whopping $2 in quarters on the “This is New Orleans” slot, but $2 is a lot better than losing your kid’s inheritance. Right, Dad? Huh? Huh!? Isn’t that right!!?? Thanks Dad, you asshole! I’m just kidding; he only lost Lisa’s inheritance. And his “gamblin’ thumb”. Yeah, Dad has a problem…
Ok, back to reality. I also saw George Carlin while I was in Wannabe-Vegas. He did all new stuff, apparently he’s prepping for a HBO special in November so he had to cheat and use index cards, get his flow down, etc. It was really, really funny stuff, even in the practice stages. Carlin’s just an incredibly bright, funny guy.
Anyways, that was my Biloxi trip in a nutshell. I’ll write more about this week later, as it’s been action packed as well. Hope all is well.

- Eric.

Fox's first move into making me happy.

They renewed Arrested Development for a 3rd season. Kudos to the people at Fox. Now if they would just burn down their news (tabloid) studio...

One Fierce Beer Coaster.

Jealous, aren't you?

Salt.

The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful...

Vacation.

Biloxi! And I hate gambling! I'm going for the beach! Weather? Clear all week! Until I get there! Isolated Thundershowers! Fuck!

Last words?

So I had a conversation with my boss yesterday that could either make all the stress melt from my life or cause the next few weeks of my life explode with it. Either way, the Dodgers are 2 games up and I'm going to the beach this weekend.

See below.

Jesus would not drink this. His dad used less ingredients to make actual raspberries.

Dasani.

Ingredient List for Regular Dasani: Purified Water.

Ingredient List for Raspberry Dasani: Purified Water,Citric Acid, Sodium Polyphosphates, Potassium Sorbate, Potassium Benzoate, Natural Flavors, Sucralose Magnesium Sulfate, Acesulfame Potassium, Potassium Chloride, Salt.

So according to the fine people over at The Coca-Cola Company:

Citric Acid + Sodium Polyphosphates + Potassium Sorbate + Potassium Benzoate + Natural Flavors + Sucralose Magnesium Sulfate + Acesulfame Potassium + Potassium Chloride + Salt = Raspberry.

If all that shit is in raspberry water, what the fuck is in Cherry Coke? Jesus.

Envy.

Do you suffer from a small penis? If so, buy one of these.

iTunes.

Does anyone know if iTunes purchases go towards Sound Scan credit (Billboard charts)? I don't even think iTunes knows the answer to this one.

Black & White looks arty.

Me on Bart's back deck.

Weekend Update.

This weekend certainly felt like summer. Breezy, lazy, needed. Friday night consisted of catching up on Real Time with Bill Maher until around 10:00 when I got an invite over to my good friend Linda’s house for a few beers, a few cigarettes, and a lot of shit shooting. I was hoping to catch Jiminy Glick in La La Wood, but the nearest showing was in Houston, Texas. This prompted me to decide that waiting for the DVD might be a better way to go.
On Saturday I woke up with every intention of having coffee & banana pancakes, but I stopped at the coffee. Laziness tends to be the prevailing force throughout my Saturdays. After screwing around for a good portion of the morning I finally took a shower, shaved, etc so I could go run some errands. I’d run out of blank CDs and needed to restock. This led to the purchase of a new shirt and a USB splitter as well. I didn’t need any of these things, but spending money tends to make the grass a little greener and the smile a little wider. Amidst all of this fun consumerism, my uncle’s car broke down so I had to go spend some time waiting for the tow truck to arrive with him. After all that jazz it was time to go to the driving range and hit a few golf balls. This was a mixed experience, as I hit beautifully with the 5 wood, but was waving the driver around like a limp noodle. A three hundred dollar driver and all I could do with it was trim the grass. It was ok though, I was relaxed and that was the whole point of the venture. From here I flew on over to work so I could meet up with Linda and have a few drinks by the pool. Allow me to say that having a few drinks by a pool is a risk-free way to blow off some steam. It’s impossible to let anything bother you while you’re two feet from a shimmering swimming pool and the breeze keeps massaging your neck. Also, Corona with lime helps.
After all the pool relaxin’ I went back home and forced Lisa and Mom to go out for a Mother’s Day meal a day early due to what was a hectic work schedule for me on Sunday. We opted for Fajita’s because it’s very close to the house and their guacamole is the best in town, hands down. We had a decent time and afterwards I decided to go to a party I’d gotten an invite to about three weeks ago. It was a pretty good time, mostly due to the amount of beer I drank. When I first got there I had the thought, “I didn’t bring nearly enough beer for myself if these are the people I’ll be spending time with,” But it turned out fairly well. I bonded with my new bestest friend in the whole wide world, Kristal. She’s an incredibly cunning gal who would make for an excellent arch nemesis should the need for one ever arise. Anyways, I got home around 3:00 and crashed out so I could be awoken at 9:15 by a phone call from work. As it turns out, work drama can blemish any hangover one might have. It was brought to my attention that having Sunday off just wasn’t going to happen this week so off to work I went. Some weekends are just better than others. Bleh. It wasn’t too bad though, I only ended up stuck there for about three hours after which I went to Publix and got some flowers and cards for all the different mothers I know. As it turns out, I know a lot. Eh, it’s their day so who am I to bitch? I took all the goodies over to Bart’s house where the fam was picnicking for all the mothers and had a really good time. I love cold fried chicken, potato salad, coleslaw, and all that other thrown together picnic stuff. After the food I said my goodbyes so I could get home and not do anything. I love being the epitome of speeding up to slow down.
I got home and threw on the television so I could ignore it and made a pot of coffee to relax with. I checked up on the news, the e-mail, etc and passed out around 1:00 am. All in all, a pretty damned good weekend.

Friday Got Better Fast.

See?

It really, really did.

Blah.

Sweet Christ am I bitter and pissy today. I just want to throw shit and smack people around. I'm going to the porch and putting on some crappy music that only I like, this is after I go buy more Liquid Deep Thinking from the gas station.

Cinco de After.

It's Friday and my workday is melting away relatively slowly, but that's ok seeing as the weekend starts at 3:00. I have very limited plans for this weekend, all's I know is I want to grill some salmon with cucumber dill sauce to go with my aforementioned fried cheese grits this evening. Knowing me, some kind of Jamaican lager will be involved in my let-loose Friday night. Sounds good to me, and you? Eh, who cares what you think? It's MY party and I can cry if I want to.

I'm still waiting for Justin to make his first move in our newly formed chess playing ritual. I made the risky, yet well-thought out first move of pawn to e3. Dangerous, I know. I was going to start with pawn to e4, but that would have been ludicrous and sloppy. I'm still a tool, I know.

Anyways, that's all for now, as I'm about to go eat some lunch and watch the clock do it's dead-on imitation of molasses.

Peace, Love, & Afropicks,

- Eric.

Bad Cola, Mess you up!

After having a Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper not only was I sterile, but I could shoot lightning from my hands. Who needs babies when I can fry cattle from a moving car?

Cinco de Dijonaise.

I was going to golf today, but God decided to be a little girl and cry about it. It rained like a nerdy bitch all morning. I took a Mary-sent invite to breakfast at Geneva's Place as a replacement. I like the grits there, they made me crave fried cheese grits, so I whipped that up when I got home for future frying. At the moment Justin is trying to teach me chess notation so we can play long distance chess matches much like Stallone did in Assasins. I think that's the right movie. Anyways, I'm now off to El Sombrero (or El Sombro if you're a stupid Brenau bitch) to have a few Cinco de Mayo frosty beverages.

Cinco de Mustardo.

I want this as my new profile picture, so you have to look at it here as well because I don't undestand how to do it any other way. Yes, I am a Tool.

Golden Puffs.

This kid's lucky, all's I got was a decoder ring.

9 Records That Don't Suck.

And they are:

"Blinking Lights & Other Observations" by The Eels.

"Make Believe" by Weezer

"We're Not Happy Til You're Not Happy" by Reel Big Fish

"Cold Roses" by Ryan Adams

"Haughty Melodic" by Mike Doughty

"Satellite Rides" by The Old 97's

"Devils & Dust" by Bruce Springsteen

"Demon Days" by Gorillaz

"Lochloosa" by Mofro.

Seriously, all these albums are worth the 50 minutes it takes to play them, I highly suggest getting them.

Ducks With Teeth.

Those ducks ate a homeless cat right before I took this.

Walkin' the Dog, Feelin' the Flow...

Jane & I near my old high school (which I haven't been near since my freshman year... 10 years, Jesus).

Indian Burial Ground.

Today I woke up earlier than I'd expected, around 7:30 after a 1:00 a.m. departure from consciousness. Not a bad thing, as it allowed me more time to have some coffee and "get motivated" for my day of slacking (Hey, I worked yesterday on my supposed day off, I think I earned some down time). I went through one of my regular morning off rituals and made breakfast for myself and whatever patrons the house may have had from the evening before (I don't mean to make the house sound like a brothel) and decided scrambled eggs with sour cream and rosemary was a good way to go. Also, we had some sweet potato butter for the toast, good stuff. After I thought it was really too nice outside to remain indoors watching movies, etc, so I opted to take Jane out for a walk which turned into a full out trip to the park, to the high school, to the lake, and back to the park. All that walking made me really happy I own an mp3 player, as it kept my energy flowing and gave me a beat to walk to. Given, I kept listening to New Roman Times by Camper Van Beethoven, but it seemed to fit the scenario rather nicely. It's nice to be able to get out and spend time with your dog. I highly recommend it.
So Jane and I got home and I reneged on my slacking policy and helped move our firewood pile a whopping ten feet to the left, there was reasoning behind the move, just none that made any sense to me (Mom was doing it when we got back, so I decided to pitch in). To my credit, this was after I fell asleep in the yard for twenty minutes. Days off are nice. Reenergized after my nap, I went onto the roof to get some sun and completely passed out again for a good hour. It really was a nice day outside, making it a great nap. It was during this nap that apparently the plumbing in the house went to shit and the toilets stopped flushing and to borrow from FryLock, an Indian burial ground began seeping up through the bathtub. This is when I decided to move into the hotel for the night so I can indulge in the luxury of a shower in the morning and not have to walk outside to take a piss. How high class, I feel like a rap star. Now time for the predictable pun, "This Baehr doesn't shit in the woods." Anyways, I caught the 350th episode of the Simpsons, as I think they were owed my attention for pulling that off (they're working on their 17th season...Amazing). So now I think I'll put on the Natalie Portman/Julia Roberts/Jude Law/Clive Owen flick "Closer" and pretend to watch it while I fall asleep for the forth time today. Hope everyone had as good a day as yours truly did, I shall write more at a later date.

- Eric.

That answers that.

Well, I guess the members of the animal kingdom do have souls. Or at least fear that they might.