I Really Want To Do Veruca Salt (No, Not the Fat Kid).

For Esther:

Things I've Learned From My Grandmother

1. "Stogging," which is the action of mixing foods that don't realistically mix (adding milk to chili for example), is frowned upon when one is 11 years old, but at 25 it means you're in charge of making dinner.

2. The action of dropping something off whilst someone is napping and not waking them to say hello is absolutely unforgivable.

3. No matter how good your red sauce is, it's never as good as your Grandmother's.

4. Even if you could care less about the content of the book, being read to isn't a bad way to spend an afternoon.

5. Not only spiders can climb walls.

6. The world's easier to laugh with than it is to frown upon.

7. Someday is not Sunday, no matter how much you might hope it is.

8. The Candy Man hides his treats somewhere, but that place is out of reach when you're six and out of comprehension when you're going on 30.

These things, as trivial as they might seem, are what form the relationship I had with my grandmother. If you don't understand some of them, that's ok, she just hadn't gotten to tell you the stories behind them yet, but I'm sure she would have. They would have been funny, honest, and charming, just like she was. I promise.

Walt? John David? George? Look out guys, she's coming to you now. Cherish her company as much as we have.

Thank You, Everyone.

Myself & my family greatly appreciate the support and kind words you've all had for us after my Grandmother's passing. Again, Thank you.

- Eric.

Testing Writely.

So, I'm using Writely to script and post this after waiting 8 months for the service to launch. Let's see if it works.

Foreverclear.

It's been a few years, Guys. Good to have you back.

The First Annual "Be Eric's Main Man" Competition.

Saturday, September 2nd will mark The First Annual "Be Eric's Main Man" Competition. The winner of which will be awarded the title of my "Main Man" for the 2006 - 2007 season. Meaning that throughout the year, whenever I tell a story or anecdote that features the winner of said competition, I will be required to pretense their name with "My Main Man." For instance, if the winner's name is Jeff and I'm telling a story about car jacking (and for the sake of argument the hypothetical Jeff is an experienced car jacker) I must say, "You know, my main man Jeff is into that car jacking, he does it efficently and often..." It goes without saying that I will be forbidden to make negative comments about whomever wins, as my "Main Man" must hold a certain amount of cool points/credibility. Ladies, not to fret, if a Woman-Folk happens to win, I shall refer to them as "My Main Home Girl" throughout the winning year. I hope you all understand and look forward to seeing you at the competition!


This year's tasks will include (but are not limited to):

Bread Baking
Car Jacking
Bear Fighting
Ninja-Star Throwing
Figure Skating
Keg Stands
Removing Invisible Snake Venom from My Penis (Female Participants Only)
Building Me A New Deck
Killing People That Disagree With Me
Coffee Brewing
Removing Prostitute/Hobo Corpses From My Basement
Convincing Your Dirty Whore Sister That I Don't Swear Too Fucking Much
Getting Me Into Public Office

Good Luck Contestants!