5 Albums That Changed My Life

1. "BBC Sessions 1964-1977" by The Kinks. I know it's not technically an album (especially considering the Kinks are known for their concept albums), but it's the record that made me realize how much I like this band's body of work. You have stripped versions of "Waterloo Sunset," "Death of a Clown," "Celluloid Heroes," and most of their early singles, all of which are accompanied by short, insightful interviews with the band. I dig it.

2. "Turn the Radio Off" by Reel Big Fish. Not the classiest of choices, no, but it certainly was a building block in my personality. I bought the record on the insistence of a friend of mine who said, "It sounds like some dumb shit you'd listen to." Dude was right, I was hooked from start to finish and I still get excited whenever "Skatanic" pops onto the shuffle in iTunes.

3. "Get A Grip" by Aerosmith. In 1993 I had no idea who or what an Aerosmith was, I didn't own a CD player (I did, however, have a tape player and one cassette, which was The Beach Boys' Greatest Hits but I seldom, if ever, listened to it, as most of my time was spent playing Nintendo and/or reading comic books), I thought MTV was just a station that played Beavis & Butthead, and generally just didn't give a shit about music in any shape, size or form. But then the video for "Cryin'" came out. Holy shit with the Alicia Silverstone. I mean Hoe. Lee. Shit. To a kid who's only just kind of sort of thought about maybe going through puberty, this video kicked a lot of things into overdrive. I was fascinated by all the navel piercing, the ass kicking (The guy she lays out is Sawyer from "Lost"), and the weird suicide/bungee jumping thing she pulls on Stephen Dorff. What I was not fascinated in was this group of hippies who were playing some shitty song in a church. To say I liked Alicia Silverstone more than Aerosmith at this point would be an understatement of epic proportions. MTV became my new pass time, I'd watch hours and hours of shitty videos with guys with silly hats singing about how everybody hurts while walking around in traffic, some fugly girl in a bee suit hang out with a bunch of hippies in a field, and some other hippie sing about trains that were running away and other such Alicia-less nonsense. But it was all worth it for my five minutes and eight seconds with the lovely Ms. Silverstone. I saw this video so many times that I actually ended up liking (knowing the words to) the song itself. It was with this in mind that I went down to the mall and purchased the cassette tape of this. Two months later I had every album Aerosmith had ever released, a new CD player, and "Get A Grip" on both cassette and CD. This was my introduction to music and I haven't looked back since.

4. "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I don't feel the need to explain this as I'm pretty sure everyone owned and loved this album.

5. "Flood" by They Might Be Giants. I used to listen to this and do my math homework. For some reason that still makes perfect sense to me. I listened to it so much that I'm quite certain I could sing the entire album while sleeping. Lord love John & John, they made math at least somewhat tolerable.

On Abortion...

   "Abolition of a woman's right to abortion, when and if she wants it, amounts to compulsory maternity: a form of rape by the State." ~ Edward Abbey

   On the 19th, the House approved a measure that would require doctors to offer to show patients requesting an abortion an ultrasound image of the fetus. Seriously. How festive.

   On paper, it seems like a pretty stupid plan. In practice, it's going to seem even stupider by the sheer aimlessness and needless cruelty involved. To start, I seriously cannot imagine that a lot of young ladies will opt to see a picture who's only discernable function is securing a future of second guessing a decision they made when they were younger and a lot less mature. It'd be like seeing a video of what your life would be like if you were happily married to your best friend's wife while you, in reality, remain lonely and single. In a term, no one would ever choose to see what's in the box. Not ever.

   As dizzying as this is, it was almost even worse. The measure was changed so that there was a choice involved. Originally, it was going to be mandatory, which instead of being simply needless, would have been ridiculously cruel. Not that it justifies this, but these poor women at least have the power to say no. The emendation, does however, bring up the problem of an obviously pro-choice medical professional being legally required to make their patient's procedure even more emotionally difficult. The House has somehow forced one of their own antagonists to propagate their agenda. And, as we've seen before with the numerous attacks on abortion professionals, closed-minded political aficionados almost always shoot the messengers, not the lawmakers.

   The lawmakers themselves are an entirely different conversation, but I will say that roughly 77% of anti-abortion leaders are men and, though I can't find any statistics proving this, I'm close to positive that 0% will ever become pregnant. When a 68 year old man says that an 18 year old pregnant woman doesn't understand what she's doing by getting an abortion, it implies that he does, which is egotistical and nauseating at best. I think a lot of women should get together and start dictating what men should do if they ever get testicular cancer. I doubt anyone has ever seen fear like that of a congressional power player being told that he's got to have his gonads removed because of a chance affliction he's acquired (especially if the person telling him was someone like Hillary Clinton). Florynce R. Kennedy once said, "If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." Florynce R. Kennedy, Lord love her, was a smart woman.

A Blog Comment I Want to Share:

Spiders in cars, oh me oh my...

Normally, I have no problems with those of the arachnid decent, as I'm quite a few inches taller than most of them (Kenneth Branagh's mechanical beast in Wild Wild West not included) and can usually outwit them and/or defeat any threat they might present using only a well-placed sneaker and/or a rolled up issue of Lolly-Tots magazine. I mean Rolling Stone. I mean Playgirl. I mean, oh never mind.

Anyways, that opinion only rings true when I'm in a house or outdoors with the spider (beasts). When in a car though, my thoughts tend to change as my mobility is limited and in the enclosed atmosphere of a moving vehicle one (usually) small spider comes across as being the size and mentality of a rabid panther on crystal meth. Or an angry Rick James. Either way, may I present one of my two experiences with spiders in cars*:

I once was backing out of my driveway, as is normal practice in my life, when I noticed a spider (now to be referred to as the HeSoD or Human Eating Spider of Death) crawling up my driver's side window in an obvious attempt to eat off my face and lay gross HeSoD eggs in my ear lobes. This I found unacceptable, so I looked around for anything resembling a weapon. This action proved useless as all I had in my car were a minidisc player, a Peter Gabriel minidisc, and a melted tube of chapstick, none of which I found terribly inviting to use as a HeSoD Destroyer (patent pending). It was at this point that I realized the HeSoD was on the outside of the car, trying to get into the crack of the window. Happy Days! I promptly thought of a way to rid myself of an immediate future full of lack of face and spider babies pouring out of my ear...

Car-Door Paddleball (patent also pending).

With a devious smile and a swift kick, I'd invented a hot new sport. Car-Door Paddleball (patent still pending).I would yell secular non sequiturs like, "Spider fuck dumb aaagggghhh," or "Waaaahhh ooohhhh Spideeeeerrrr Diiiicccckkk!" whilst kicking the ever living shit out of my poor car door causing the HeSoD to fly out about five feet into the distance, freeze in midair due to a well-placed web-line, and then rocket back towards the car window with my panicked, distorted, and bitch-screaming face behind it. This carried on for about a minute and a half.

Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.
Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.
Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.
Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.

On and on this went until I seemingly became possessed by Pele and kicked (finally!) so hard that the HeSoD was launched across my front yard into the abyss of wet grass.

And then I cried.

Not really, but if I had not one soul on Earth could have judged me. Car-Door Spider Paddleball (patent applied for) is an intense way to spend two minutes, no matter who you are.


*- I also once battled a spider in a car using only an opened can of Coke Classic and my will to live. Needless to say I defeated the HeSoD-in-training, but I also covered the inside of my car with delicious soda and HeSoD bits. It was sticky to say the least.