A Blog Comment I Want to Share:

Spiders in cars, oh me oh my...

Normally, I have no problems with those of the arachnid decent, as I'm quite a few inches taller than most of them (Kenneth Branagh's mechanical beast in Wild Wild West not included) and can usually outwit them and/or defeat any threat they might present using only a well-placed sneaker and/or a rolled up issue of Lolly-Tots magazine. I mean Rolling Stone. I mean Playgirl. I mean, oh never mind.

Anyways, that opinion only rings true when I'm in a house or outdoors with the spider (beasts). When in a car though, my thoughts tend to change as my mobility is limited and in the enclosed atmosphere of a moving vehicle one (usually) small spider comes across as being the size and mentality of a rabid panther on crystal meth. Or an angry Rick James. Either way, may I present one of my two experiences with spiders in cars*:

I once was backing out of my driveway, as is normal practice in my life, when I noticed a spider (now to be referred to as the HeSoD or Human Eating Spider of Death) crawling up my driver's side window in an obvious attempt to eat off my face and lay gross HeSoD eggs in my ear lobes. This I found unacceptable, so I looked around for anything resembling a weapon. This action proved useless as all I had in my car were a minidisc player, a Peter Gabriel minidisc, and a melted tube of chapstick, none of which I found terribly inviting to use as a HeSoD Destroyer (patent pending). It was at this point that I realized the HeSoD was on the outside of the car, trying to get into the crack of the window. Happy Days! I promptly thought of a way to rid myself of an immediate future full of lack of face and spider babies pouring out of my ear...

Car-Door Paddleball (patent also pending).

With a devious smile and a swift kick, I'd invented a hot new sport. Car-Door Paddleball (patent still pending).I would yell secular non sequiturs like, "Spider fuck dumb aaagggghhh," or "Waaaahhh ooohhhh Spideeeeerrrr Diiiicccckkk!" whilst kicking the ever living shit out of my poor car door causing the HeSoD to fly out about five feet into the distance, freeze in midair due to a well-placed web-line, and then rocket back towards the car window with my panicked, distorted, and bitch-screaming face behind it. This carried on for about a minute and a half.

Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.
Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.
Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.
Kick. Scream. Boing. Zip. Scream. Thud.

On and on this went until I seemingly became possessed by Pele and kicked (finally!) so hard that the HeSoD was launched across my front yard into the abyss of wet grass.

And then I cried.

Not really, but if I had not one soul on Earth could have judged me. Car-Door Spider Paddleball (patent applied for) is an intense way to spend two minutes, no matter who you are.


*- I also once battled a spider in a car using only an opened can of Coke Classic and my will to live. Needless to say I defeated the HeSoD-in-training, but I also covered the inside of my car with delicious soda and HeSoD bits. It was sticky to say the least.