Scratch that, this is crazier.

Crazy, crazy shit.

Yes, it's a band comprised of two thirteen year old racist chicks. (Props to Chainsaw Zombie for the link).

Careful with that razor, Kiddo.

Today, while shaving in the shower, I was singing along with some bad 70's track using the razor as my microphone. Consequently, as I started air guitaring with the solo (holding the aforementioned razor, mind you), I almost chopped my manhood off. On that note, it's my advice to you to not do that.

Craziest Dude Ever Award goes to:

This guy.

3 Retards + Kite Day =

  

Hostess to Unvail Treatment Center.

In a recent press release, Michael R. Mandree, CEO of Hostess Snack Cake Corporation announced the company's plans to unvail a new treatment center for sufferors of H.H.A., or Ho-Ho Addiction, in the near future. This is expected to be in regards to the recent allegations of Hostess adding significant doses of Opiotine to their products. Scientists researching the substance have quoted it as being a potent mixture of Opium and Nicotine, causing numerous side effects and being six times as addictive as Methadone (synthetic heroin).

The center will have a labyrinth of detox programs as well as a foosball table and a vast selection of drug-free dessert cakes, supplied by Hostess rival/ sworn enemy Little Debbie. The Hostess Presidential Comittee is displeased with the forced calls to competition, but experts say even the sight of a Hostess wrapper will send the detox patients into a heated fit of rage, vomitting, and sexual neandering.

The new facility is expected to be open to patients by the end of the year, until that time H.H.A. sufferors are asked to keep away from anything labeled as Hostess and drink plenty of vermuth, as the dry alcohol keeps the Opiotine's addictive nature at bay. In a sense.


- Eric Baehr, I-Made-It-Up-News Correspondant

Hey Atlanta, why don't you just blow me already?

Why is it that when Kid Fucking Rock is coming to town that's all I hear about for six months prior to the show, but if Ray Davies is here, I don't hear about it until two days afterwards? Atlanta, you really need to go get some kneepads and a bottle of Scope, because it's certainly not going to suck itself.

The Doppleganger Monkey Experiment: Day 2.

The second day of The Doppleganger Monkey Experiment is going disturbingly unnoticed.

I assumed people would notice that I've been sending in a chimp named Puddin' Pop dressed in a shirt and tie to my place of employment and letting her work my shifts. They have not.

Watching the recorded videos, I thought for sure they would figure out something was wrong when Puddin' simply took a bowel movement into her own hand and threw the feces at a potential client. Sadly, I only heard this quote, "Oh, Man, Eric's doing it again..."

This makes me sad.

50 Things I'm Overly Enthused About.

1. Kites.
2. Anything that’s been “jerked.”
3. The Kinks.
4. Text messaging.
5. Coconut and/or banana crème pie.
6. Alabama 3 (or A3 to the U.S.)
7. Hating Republican values.
8. Poking fun at racism and/or religion.
9. My porch.
10. The L.A. Dodgers and the Boston Redsox.
11. The fact that my Dad could beat up your Dad.
12. Grilling food.
13. Steve Martin.
14. Beer (especially overpriced).
15. Amanda Peet’s hotness.
16. Flat colored, long sleeve button down shirts. (with the sleeves rolled up.)
17. Eggs.
18. Summer storms.
19. Sail boats.
20. My homeboy Jesus.
21. Coffee.
22. Peter Gabriel.
23. “Yo Momma” jokes.
24. Jack Bauer.
25. Red Stripe beer. (Yes, I’m aware of #14, but Red Stripe gets special mentioning.)
26. Satin sheets.
27. My A-Team sunglasses.
28. My Volkswagon Jetta.
29. Swimming in the ocean over swimming in a pool.
30. Savannah, Georgia.
31. Bloody Maries having “balls.”
32. Jane Doe Baldwin (my dog.)
33. Comic book characters (especially Spiderman.)
34. Avoiding chain restaurants.
35. Oysters.
36. My iPod.
37. Jimmy Buffett.
38. Negative people who are witty.
39. Camel Lights.
40. The fact that beets, canned peas, and lemon donuts are all horrible excuses for food.
41. Carl Hiaasen books.
42. 90’s Alternative music.
43. Saying, “Come on, Eileen.” To my friend Eileen.
44. Bill Maher.
45. Not taking people who don’t vote seriously.
46. Pajama pants.
47. My record player kicking you cd player’s punk ass.
48. Pete Rose.
49. Saturday Night live not sucking as bad as people say it does.
50. Fake tattoos.

Amanda Peet needs to get off of her high horse and just fuck me already.

That's the best blog title ever.

Ever.

Shuffled.

Ok, I threw the iPod on random and critiqued what shit out of it. Enjoy...

"School Boy Heart" by Jimmy Buffett - This is the song that was playing when I clicked into the whole Buffett ideal. Given, it's a bit hard to deny a guy that's written a song called, "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw," but "School Boy Heart," is a little bouncier and I think it's more fun.

Dane Cook's "I just wanna dance" routine - Anyone that talks to me and then sees a Dane Cook performance (or vice versa) thinks we're related. We're not.

"Stay" by Lisa Loeb - This is the first in what I expect to be a series of nods to 90's pop culture throughout my ipod shuffling. I dig shitty 90's tracks. A lot of them. This one in particular makes me think of Ben Stiller drinking a big gulp with Winona Rider and asking Ethan Hawke if there's a secret handshake with him. Reality Bites owned back in the day, and in a faded flannel kind of way, it still kinda does. Also worth mentioning is the scorching hotness of Lisa Loeb herself. She gave all the female versions of Rivers Cuomo a chance to get deep dicked long before anyone even knew who the fuck Rivers Cuomo was.

"Ensure Your Reservation" by the Polyphonic Spree - I dig the Spree, but I do get the idea that they look like a big cult that's obsessed with Skittles. I really liked Tim Delaughter's old band Tripping Daisy a lot and I was glad to see him (modestly) succeed with such an original project.

"Don't Ever Let Me Go" by the Kinks - I should tell you something about my ipod and the Kinks. Out of a current 3,192 tracks, 469 of them are either direct Kinks songs or Kink-related. That bleeds a 14.69% chance that the next song will be Kinked each and every time the shuffle does it thing. True, 14.69% doesn't sound like a lot, but when compared to the 0.0062% chance that the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (A band I dig a lot) come with... Well, you get my point. Anyways, I just want to say there might be a lot of Kinkiness going on here, that's all. "Don't Ever Let Me Go" is just an old 60's Kinks track. It's fine by me, but it's no "Sunny Afternoon."

"Set Me Free" by Ray Davies - Who'd of thought, a Ray Davies song? This is from Ray's "Storyteller" tour and it's all acoustic and around a minute long. Nothing notable here.

"Running Around Town" by the Kinks - Ok, I thought this might happen. Yet another fucking Kinks song. "Running," like the last track, is also only a minute long. Not incredibly newsworthy.

"Cool Blue Reason" by Cake - This Cake song, much like every other Cake song, sounds exactly like every other Cake song. I like this song about the same amount as I like every other Cake song. It does have that weird ghetto noise in the background that makes me think Snoop Dogg's gonna bust out and start talking about how he's got his mind on his money and his money on his mind.

"Here Comes the Flood" by Peter Gabriel - I love, love, love Pete. This song's just about the saddest thing ever. I think it's about him thinking about his receding hairline and holding back tears. But.. he.. just... can't.

"I'm Dancing in the Show Tonight" by Ween - This is the song that's playing in my public persona's head all the time. If I'm telling you a story and frantically moving about, this is what's playing inside the ole' noodle.

"Danger! High Voltage" by the Electric Six - I saw this video before I heard the actual song so I was a bit entranced by the odd visuals. These cats are just fucking weeeeiiiiird. You got Jack White singing (what I imagine) is a woman's part and the most awesome rumor that the sax solo was done by Bill Clinton. That's totally not true, but just imagine Slick Willy, Jack White, and a dude that looks very transvestite all in a room together. Man, what a rocked out track.

"PA" by Ryan Adams & the Cardinals - I love me some Ryan Adams but still haven't gotten around to listening to this album yet. After listening to this track, I'm left feeling a little bit so-so about it.

"Pink Panther Theme (Remix)" by Krunal Patel - This shit makes me want to rob a fucking bank.

"I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon - This song has a lot more funk than any indie band has any right to turn out. So much in fact that a reviewer on Amazon.com said, "it invokes the ghost of Prince" which is funny to me, because I'm pretty sure Prince is still alive. And if he is now, he probably was when the track was recorded a few years ago. But maybe my math is off, so there's no way to be certain.

"Free" by Phish - What'd the guy at the Phish show say after he ran out of weed? "Man, this music sucks." Hahahaha, that kills me every time. Anyways, I like Phish. So fuck you, you patchouli stink hippy. Wait, that'd be me, wouldn't it?

"Open Up Your Eyes" by Tonic - This shitty song reminds me of that other shitty song they did called "If You Could Only See." Does this fucker hang out with blind people all day or what? I mean, seriously. Buy that bitch some glasses.

"Waiting For the Rain To Fall" by Chris Fuckin' Isaak - I added the "Fuckin" to his name because people need to respect the badassness that is Chris Isaak. If you have a wife or a girlfriend, Isaak could fuck her, no questions asked. "Wicked Game" just reeks of sex. Good, dirty, on fresh white sheets kinda sex. Also, I hear Isaak actually ejaculates horny supermodels, how badass is that?

"Alpha Beta Parking Lot" by Cake - Great song title by my boys in Cake. Good track too.

"Bound For the Floor" by Local H - Another 90's blowback. This track was actually better back then though.

"You Can't Win" by the Kinks - Mother of God, a Kinks song. I would never have thought. Seriously. This reminds me of the Turtle's "You Don't Stand an Outside Chance" for some reason. Which is cool, as I love that song.