Drunken Post # 1.

Drunkiness is close to Godliness.

Here are two of AA's steps out of their gaudy 12-step plan:

1. Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
2. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

Seeing a strong emphasis on religion there? See anything wrong with that? Me either, to an extent, but my problem lies in the fact that people can be court ordered to attend this program. So if one of the mainstays of AA is to find God, and the courts can order someone to attend AA, isn't that the government forcing people to find God? It seems so, and pretty aimlessly, as AA has a whopping success rate of 5%. Do you know the success rate of people who quit on their own, without the assistance of other addicts in church basements? 5%. Yes, the exact same percentage. Statistics show that your chances of getting sober are exactly the same if you wake up one morning and decide to quit drinking as they are if you join AA. So why do people still go? Is it the feeling of fellowship that comes with ten other soon-to-be drunkards sitting next to you? I've always said that religion is a cesspool of loneliness and apparently so is AA. I guess I shouldn't sound so shocked as I write this; I mean, after all, it is AA.

Is it just me...

... or is Gary Busey just straight out fucking insane?

Newly found audio option.

Faux News.

I came across this steaming piece of shit in the local paper today:

"In your editorial of June 16, you stated "Public isn't buying plan by Bush, GOP for Social Security." It seems your editors have been reading a lot of liberal newspapers, such as the Times, looking at the wrong polls and talking to the wrong people.

All you have to do is listen to the radio talk shows, watch unbiased TV news shows like the Fox network, where they have both liberals and conservatives, and you will find that most Americans want the right to invest their own money."

I'm pretty sure that "Radio Talk Shows" means either Rush Limbaugh, Neil Boortz, or both. I'm also pretty sure Gene Cordell (the author of the article) is either smoking meth or is mentally handicapped. This is the assumption I get about anyone who describes Fox as being "unbiased" or accuses The Gainesville Times of being a liberal themed paper. I mean, it's barely a paper at all and it certainly isn't liberal by any stretch of the imagination (Unless you consider Newt Gingrich too left). I swear to God, I need to move. Ugh.

Life Goals.

1. See the Northern Lights.
2. See a Cubs game from the rooftops across from Wrigley's Field.
3. Go to a party at the Playboy Mansion. (Highly unlikely unless I become highly famous)
4. Drive the Autobahn.
5. Write a book that my friends Justin & Brenton both want to read.
6. Save the world from certain doom armed only with my wits and a gardening machete. And get the girl in the process. I'll need a sassy sidekick and James Cameron to direct. James, call me. 770-534-8150.

The New Multi-tasking.

I'm at work.
I'm responsible for all new check ins, all phone calls, and any problems that may happen in the next seven hours. It has to be this way, I'm the only employee here. I'm getting paid rather modestly to do this, but it pays the bills and keeps me out of trouble. The people are nice, the income is steady, and the job isn't too demanding. Let me explain what I'm doing as I type this:

1. Drinking hot, fresh coffee (of which there is a bottomless supply).
2. Downloading "Madagascar" simply because I can.
3. Watching "Hero" the kick-ass Jet Li film.
4. Eating Oreos*.
5. Sitting in a comfy chair.
6. Talking to people via Trillian.

So that's what I'm doing right now for a respectable paycheck. I really need to quit this, as it's way too comfortable.

*- Oreos is actually what I'm eating right now. I also have candy, chips, Special K bars, muffins, cookies, bagels, pound cake, apples, bananas, english muffins, toast, sausage, eggs, etc to choose from. One day, I will be a very fat man.

I like...

I like a lot of things. A LOT of them.

I like hot, fresh coffee. I like doughnuts (I do not like lemon ones). I like the the first two Grateful Dead albums. I like cold, over-priced beer. I like cold, under-priced beer. I like Camel Lights. I like Steve Martin movies. I like books by Carl Hiaasen. I like comic books. I like blogging. I like my Volkswagon Jetta. I like the Los Angeles Dodgers. I like my parents. I like Merlot. I like my record player. I like being barefoot. I like the Mind Bender. I like golfing. I like it when people laugh at my jokes. I like cheap champagne. I like TiVo. I like my laptop. I like fresh herbs. I like being carefee. I like my friends. I like black and white photos. I like the ocean. I like being organized. I like big, fresh stacks of ruled paper. I like rainy days. I also like sunny days. I like people who smile. But mostly, I like kites.

I do not like death metal. I do not like beets, canned peas, or hot carrots. I do not like a certain accountant. I do not like snakes. I do not like racists. I do not like ketchup. I do not like the GOP. I do not like people who judge other people's interests. They are one's own interests, there is no need to apologize for, let alone explain them to anyone at all. By calling someone else's interests "dorky" or "lame" you, by all intents and purposes, are a cunt. I do not like the word "cunt."

Stella

Go here for some seriously funny, twisted sketch comdey.

Congrats, Man.

I'm so glad.

Sorry Dad.

So Hillary has started it. She's made a few choice remarks on the GOP and begun the quest for Presidency. Aaaaah, nice! I agree with Chris Matthews on his prediction of a McCain/Giuliani ticket to challenge the Clintons. I use the plural there because it really will come down to her publicly stating if she'll keep Bill in the loop or completely out of it. Let Bill in, Hillary, LET HIM IN. I know a lot of people hate him, but the man's political genius is awe-inspiring and shouldn't be wasted on the seating arrangements of White House functions. The man's a born leader, not a glorified wedding planner. That aside, the McCain/Giuliani ticket has a lot of force with it too, you can't deny either man. They're both qualified, respectable candidates. But I'm rooting for the Clintons all the way, Man. On the first Clinton track, they did a great job (outside of an aspirin factory and a blue dress). It's going to be a great race, it really is. Now if we can just get through a few more years of Dubya, we'll be fine (He really is getting better though, he's just fun to dislike).

If it wasn't attached, I'd throw it away.

One half of my head is working against the other half. The one half keeps dwelling on my ex-girlfriend and the other half keeps calling the first half a pussy. Any ideas on how to solve this problem?

You guys play Dokken, right?

I had a blast last night in Athens with my boy Pete. I rolled out to his steller new place to throw back a few beers, eat some grilled goodness, and just bullshit. I had a nice cigar, a decent buzz, and met what I can only imagine is my doppleganger. The doppleganger's name is Paul and he and his wife rocked harder than Dokken ever could have (Sorry Carl). DopplePaul seemed like a nice guy, which leads me to believe I'm the evil twin. I'm down with that, as it gives me even more of an excuse to murder hobos (Sounds like something an evil twin would do). I learned a few choice things last night. Such as:

1. Jess is Amish.
2. If your friends help, you can make God your bitch.
3. I can't land a high five while drinking.
4. College radio is for losers.
5. Jersey rules.
6. Pete lives very close to The Varsity and failed to tell me that.
7. Dave Matthews is a lot like God, I love the guy but hate the fucking fanclub.
8. Grandmothers can come out of NOWHERE.

That's it for now.

Sorry, you can't stay here...

... I'm booked.

I'm doing it again and spreading myself too thinly, I can feel it.

Why not get a hummer and a hotdog instead?

Ok, now this is just plain sad.

People all over are starving and Sally Struthers tells me for a dollar a month I can save entire nations or at least give them a wish sandwich (A wish sandwich is when you got two pieces of bread and you wish you had some meat! Bow bow bow....) which is something I've always considered doing, but honestly will never get around to. My Dad "adopted" a foreign child through that program and he gets the oddest letters from *insert jumble of consonants* or whatever his name is from time to time. I know that one day Dad's going to call and say that *jumble of consonants* has arrived in New York and wants to move in with his new Daddy. Man, would that be hysterical because Dad sure hates black people! I'm kidding, but it would be funny.

Anyways, people starving blah blah blah and someone actually paid almost $200 for one large fry. Literally, ONE large fry. In an auction for Christ's sake. So people fought over this one piece of fried potato. How does a life lead up to a point where you're actually trying to outbid other people for a fucking french fry? Are people really that bored? That rich? Robin Williams said that a coke addiction is God's way of telling you that you have too much money, but I think cocaine is a better long term investment than an eight inch fry. What do you do with it once you get it? Put it on a mantel? Masturbate to it? Pray to it? Talk to it? All of that is a better answer than "Eat it." Bleh.

Ok, that's it for now.

Think about it...

Amish men look like ZZ Top groupies.

Presence can blow.

Everyday it seems that the list of people that I don't see often enough grows larger. I miss the people of my past and I can't help but hold a grudge against every new person I meet because it seems like with every new friend an old friend loses some of my time. Not to put myself on some pedestal, I just miss my old friends. I guess that's just life, as the reason I don't see a lot of people is due to my fucking them over or them returning the favor, but in the long run isn't it all just bullshit? I don't believe the ambers of friendship truly ever burn out, but I'm wrong often in my beliefs. Anyways, it's late and I just miss a lot of folks I care about. Hope everyone is doing well. If you see this, I miss you Matt, Bo, Adrian, Medge, Sonia, Chris, Jill, Justin, Brenton, and on and on and on.....

People and their lame bid-ness.

It never ceases to amaze me that people constantly shine their ability to make the wrong decision. They go to their jobs, their movies, their homes, their drinks, their meaningless fucks, to the post office, the bank, to church, to Burger King so they can get ever the more obese, to their shrinks so they can blame their problems on everyone they know, to the gym, to the store to buy more shit, everywhere that they think they want to be but don't need to go.

I say this because as I was going to the post office for work I was coming up upon a cat someone had hit in the middle of town and the poor thing was still coherent, albeit about to die, but it still had the ability to watch these cars go past and ignore it while it felt the pain of certain death riding through it's bones. I know it's just a fucking cat, but how hard is it to fucking stop and try to help it? We've all been in that situation, "I see it, but should I stop? I mean I really have to get to... Blah blah fucking blah." You know what I did? I stopped. I did what everyone ought to do. What did I do to help? I called animal control so they could come pick up the cat and "do whatever they can do" which translates to putting the cat out of it's misery and going on with the business day. I know I couldn't heal the cat, explain to the cat what was happening, or even comfort the cat at all, but God damn it I did something. Why didn't anyone else? Because they were all too self absorbed and thinking someone else would do it. Well thank goodness, Motherfuckers, someone did. This time it was me and fuck you for signing me up you egocentric pieces of shit.

Someone's earned a hug.

Someone (not me) has done you a very big favor. They've posted Mark Twain's "Letters From the Earth" for you to read, look, and chuckle at online for no fee at all. You owe this person, as it's truly one of the greatest works of literature to ever be written. enjoy it here.

As someone who likes to write, and who's best line of the last few months is, "I dig Patsy Cline, I just break at the connotation that she bares," I highly suggest you take a look.

Check it iz-out:

My suspenders could kick your Granny's lame ass.

Greeks know what's up.

Bored? Hungry? Pan toast some pita bread. Yum Yum Yum!!!